What the Helles

Of all the beers I've had, I think I can conclusively say that my least favorite style is helles. Pils is saved from the bottom by virtue of the fact that it at least has (when some people brew it) some decent hop. The one time I went to the Czech Republic, I drank my weight in fine Czech pilsner and have fond memories of the stuff. This ought to indicate that calling something my least favorite stlye is a bit like saying that blonde is my least favorite hair color on a woman.

Trouble is, helles is the preferred style here in Munich. This means that when people talk about the relative merits of particular beers the conversation devolves to an expression of preference for one brand over another. In my mind (and in my coarse palate) there's not a dime's bit of difference from one helles to the other, but I've seen people get quite expressive about how good Augustiner is, or how abysmal Spaten is. Augustiner is god-like, pure, tasty will make you feel euphoric but not silly and won't give you a hangover no matter how much you drink. Spaten is made by squeezing the hay that horses have pissed on. It's rotgut and only drunk by the lower classes or tourists.

I think that both views are probably nonsense and I struggle to understand how people get worked up in holding opinions about a beer that is- in my opinion- designed to taste like virtually nothing. The one word you'll see most often in any description of how helles should taste is "subtle". Some others you'll see are "nuanced", "balanced" and "gentle". This is all shorthand for the fact that helles won't offend anyone.

Some weeks ago, I decided to sort out which helles in Munich I actually liked via a blind tasting. I had done this once before with Starkbiers, but wasn't happy with the process. Then, I took five breweries and had them face off in a round robin style. What I found is that the results were not always consistent. Paulaner may win big one night and then barely lose the next. So, with the helles, I thought it best to have two breweries meet head to head repeatedly for at least five times. The first two challengers: Augustiner vs. Paulaner. I drank one of each for five nights and recorded my observations. I've established a winner, which will get discussed in the next post.